I think I’m not a perfectionist. I think I’m relaxed and fairly self-confident, and then something happens. Something like the sound on the podcast I record with my own equipment without a sound crew (I am the sound crew) is sub-par on an interview I was thrilled to have and with a guest that I absolutely admire and respect.

I felt defeated. I felt like a failure.

“It’s okay… enough,” I think. “But not really. You know this means that you suck. And you better not ever let it happen again.” Then the big guns come in: “How did you think you could do this? It’s too hard. This makes you look bad. Furthermore, it’s not fair to your guest. You’ve disappointed them. You’ve disappointed your listeners. You’re disappointing across the board.”

Wow. Yes. That is where my head goes. And even darker than this. It’s amazing. My gremlin of self-hate is at the ready to beat the crap out of me. When I calm down, I realize the truth is actually somewhere in the middle. The sound isn’t the best quality. It’s not so bad you have to toss it. And the interview is still really good.

“Also,” I reason with my mean-self, “I’m still new at this and learning about audio and recording. Cut yourself a break, kid!”

I haven’t cut that break for myself yet. But I’m exposing this part of my process for you all incase you have a similar gremlin in your brain who’s wearing boxing gloves and satin shorts and warming up in the corner every time you fuck up even slightly.

So, instead of retreating back into my corner of the ring, I am just going to step out of it. No need to engage in a fight when there’s no way to win. I can’t change the facts. The sound sucks. Another fact is that this is a rarity, not a regular occurrence. I work very hard and I try my best. Sometimes I fall short, and as one of my team members just reminded me, if I never messed up, it would mean I wasn’t taking risks and taking risks and putting a lot out there is what I want to do most.

So, here I am. I am flawed. I am imperfect.

Most of all, it’s truly the Serenity Prayer that gets me through most things. Acceptance is such a huge key to life. Because, in reality, we aren’t in control of much.

Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

xo,

Jen